When Grief and Trauma Collide

by: Dr. Tammy Isaac

There are losses that break our hearts, and then there are losses that shake our entire world. When grief collides with trauma, the result is something deeper, heavier, and harder to carry. This is what we call traumatic grief a kind of grief that doesn’t just ache in the soul, but reverberates through the mind, body, and spirit. Traumatic grief often follows sudden, violent, or unexpected deaths accidents, suicides, homicides, natural disasters, medical crises. It’s different from other forms of grief because it carries a double weight: the sorrow of losing someone you love, and the shock of how it happened. Instead of being able to lean into the rhythm of mourning, you may feel caught in loops of replaying, reliving, and re-experiencing the loss.

What Traumatic Grief Feels Like

Grief is always painful, but traumatic grief brings symptoms that can be startling and overwhelming. Many people say they feel like they’re “going crazy,” when in reality, their nervous system is simply trying to survive something it was never meant to endure.

Some of the most common experiences include:

• Intrusive memories and flashbacks. The mind replays the moment of loss again and again, triggered by sounds, smells, or anniversaries. Sometimes they appear without warning, pulling you back into the worst moment of your life.

• Hypervigilance and fear. You might feel on edge, jumpy, always braced for something bad to happen. Even familiar places may feel unsafe.

• Avoidance or numbing. You may avoid reminders of your loved one, or the opposite find yourself unable to think about anything else. Others describe feeling numb, disconnected, or like life is happening in slow motion.

• Physical symptoms. Headaches, chest pain, GI issues, difficulty sleeping, and panic attacks are all common. Trauma often shows up in the body first.

• Spiritual struggle. You may feel abandoned by God, or find yourself wrestling with hard questions: Why did this happen? Where was God? For some, faith feels like an anchor. For others, it feels like silence.

None of these responses mean you are weak or failing. They are natural reactions to an unnatural loss.

The Interplay of Trauma and Grief

Normally, grief slowly shifts from sharp pain toward tender remembering. Over time, the love and memories can begin to shine through the sorrow. But trauma interrupts this process. Instead of remembering the fullness of your loved one’s life, the mind keeps circling back to the circumstances of their death. It’s like a record stuck on the most painful track. This is why people often describe traumatic grief as being “stuck” they long to remember with love, but the trauma keeps pulling them into fear, replay, and panic. Sometimes this leads to complicated grief when the intensity of grief stays sharp and unrelenting for months or years. Complicated grief isn’t a sign that you’re grieving “wrong.” It’s a sign that your loss requires more intentional care. Here’s a truth worth remembering trauma will always bring grief, but grief is not always traumatic. Recognizing that difference helps us show ourselves compassion.

Traumatic Grief Therapy

This is where traumatic grief therapy comes in. Unlike general counseling, traumatic grief therapy is designed to tend to both sides of what you’re carrying. On the trauma side, it helps calm flashbacks, regulate the nervous system, and create safety in your body. On the grief side, it creates space to remember your loved one’s story, honor their life, and integrate your love with your loss. Think of it like carrying two heavy suitcases one marked “trauma” and one marked “grief.” You can’t set either one down, but you can learn how to repack them, redistribute the weight, and sometimes even put wheels under them so they don’t crush you. Seeking this kind of therapy is not weakness it’s courage. It’s saying, this is too heavy to carry alone, and I deserve help.

Supporting Someone in Traumatic Grief

If you love someone who is grieving in this way, you may feel helpless. But your presence and patience can be a lifeline.

Here are a few ways to show up well:

• Don’t rush them. Healing has no timetable. Avoid saying things like, “It’s time to move on.”

• Watch your words. Platitudes often hurt more than they help. Instead, try: “I’m so sorry. I’m here.”

• Invite their stories. Ask, “What do you want me to know about them?” Let them talk about their loved one without changing the subject.

• Offer practical help. Meals, childcare, errands, even sitting quietly with them these small actions lighten a heavy load.

• Stay steady. Trauma anniversaries can bring the pain back fresh. Your ongoing presence means more than you realize.

Supporting someone in traumatic grief isn’t about fixing them it’s about walking alongside them.

Pathways Toward Healing

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting or “moving on.” It means making space for both your grief and your love to live side by side.

Some ways forward include:

• Safe spaces to tell your story. Speaking your truth in trusted circles helps you reclaim your voice.

• Body-based practices. Grounding, breathwork, gentle stretching, or walking can help calm your nervous system.

• Professional care. Trauma-informed therapy, grief counseling, or support groups can help you navigate both sorrow and shock.

• Spiritual practices. Honest prayers, lament, journaling, or rituals of remembrance can anchor your heart in sacred space.

• Rituals of remembrance. Planting trees, creating memory boxes, or cooking a favorite meal are ways to honor life, not just death.

• Community care. Let friends and family cook, sit in silence, or simply hold space with you.

Each of these steps is small, but together they create room for healing.

If you are carrying traumatic grief, please know this: you are not broken. You are surviving something overwhelming. Healing doesn’t erase the grief it makes space for your love and your pain to coexist.

Take it one breath, one step, one memory at a time. And if the weight feels unbearable, reach for help. In the U.S., you can dial 988 for immediate support. You don’t have to carry this alone.

Listen to the Companion Podcast Episode: Trauma and Grief: When Healing Feels Out of Reach on Spotify or Apple Podcast.