When Grief Isn’t Yours But Still Hurts

Tammy Isaac DMin
Apr 9
3 min read

by Rev. Dr. Tammy Isaac

Grief doesn’t always come crashing into our lives with loud cries, funeral announcements, or empty chairs at dinner tables. Sometimes, it slips in quietly—through the tears of a friend, the pain of a loved one, or the sorrow we witness in our work, our ministry, and our day-to-day lives.

This kind of grief often goes unnamed. But it’s very real. It’s called secondary grief—and for many of us, it settles in the body and soul before we even realize what we’re feeling.

What Is Secondary Grief?

Secondary grief is the emotional and spiritual pain we carry when someone else experiences a loss or trauma. It might not be your direct loss, but it touches you deeply—because love, empathy, and compassion connect us.

You may feel it when:

A friend loses a parent and you walk beside them in their grief
A patient in your care dies, and you carry their family’s sorrow home with you
A child you mentor is hurting, and you can’t shake their pain
You relive parts of your own story through someone else's loss

It doesn't always come with a name or a date. There may be no memorial service, no phone calls checking in on you. But your soul knows something shifted. That’s the nature of secondary grief—it’s the ripple effect of love.

Signs You Might Be Carrying It

Secondary grief often hides in plain sight. Here are some signs to gently pay attention to:

Emotional exhaustion that doesn’t match your circumstances
Feeling unusually heavy after supporting someone else
Crying unexpectedly, even though “nothing happened to you”
Guilt for feeling impacted by someone else's loss
Compassion fatigue—especially if you’re in caregiving, ministry, or healthcare
Being irritable, withdrawn, or emotionally numb

You may even find yourself holding back tears, because “it wasn’t your loss.” But beloved—your body, your spirit, and your heart know what they carried. And you deserve the same compassion you so freely give to others.

The Layered Nature of Secondary Grief

What makes this kind of grief even more complex is that it’s often layered. Each time we sit with someone else’s sorrow, we may be reminded of our own. Grief doesn’t just open the door to empathy—it can also stir up old memories, unresolved pain, or past losses we thought were buried.

For caregivers and spiritual leaders, this can become cumulative. Every story, every loss, every sacred moment we witness adds a layer. And over time, those layers become heavy if we never take the time to name them and lay them down.

You Have Permission to Breathe

Healing from secondary grief starts with one powerful, often-overlooked act: awareness.

Begin by asking yourself:

Whose grief am I carrying?
Where do I feel this in my body?
What emotions have I been pushing away?
What would it feel like to let this go?

Honor the quiet grief.

Create space to journal.

Take a slow walk without needing to be productive.

Talk to someone who will hold space for you.

And remember that God sees what you carry—even the silent tears.

Secondary grief may be invisible to the world, but it is never invisible to God.

If you’ve been feeling drained, disconnected, or deeply emotional lately—this might be your moment to pause and listen to your own heart.

You are not weak for feeling what others feel. You are not selfish for needing time to process pain that isn’t “yours.” You are simply human. And that humanity is sacred.

You have permission to feel. You have permission to heal. And yes—you have permission to breathe.

Have you experienced secondary grief?

Leave a comment or share this with someone who might be carrying silent sorrow. Let’s normalize naming the grief that whispers and honoring the burdens we quietly bear.

🎧 Listen to the full episode: “The Silent Ripple: Understanding Secondary Grief” on the Permission to Breathe Podcast – available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.